Goodbye insecurity (“5 Things Secure People Just Don’t Do”).

So I was on YouTube (instead of attending to my to-do list for today). Typical.

Thankfully though, something good came out of this procrastination. I came across this video called “5 Things Secure People Just Don’t Do” by registered clinical counsellor, Julia Kristina.

As someone who is in the process of becoming a more confident and secure person, I found this video to be really uplifting and insightful.

The points covered can be summarised as follows:

  1. Secure people don’t feel the need to control everything.

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Secure people don’t have a need for over-control (an expression of insecurity). They don’t need to know who’s going to be there, what something’s going to be like, what the energy will be like. They trust that they will be able to adapt to the situation (whatever it is) and figure things out. Secure people are also able to set boundaries, say no and remove themselves from situations that do not sit well with them. They are not passive.

This resonated with me as I noticed my insecurity can show up in being overly concerned with how “things will be”. I also have the tendency to be passive and so I found Kristina’s observation that passivity, whilst it can seem like someone is being nice and accommodating, can actually be the result of fear. The fear of upsetting someone, the fear of somebody disagreeing with you etc.

To be honest with you, I need to stop caring so much.

2. Secure people don’t talk about themselves all the time.

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Here, Kristina describes how secure people do not feel the need to prove themselves to others and how they have a deep sense of security, worth, love and belonging. She also notes that they don’t feel the need to shrink into themselves and never be proud of their achievements/accomplishments.

In other words, as Kristina says in the video, the mentality of a secure person when it comes to celebrating themselves is:

“It’s not that I am so great, it’s that I am grateful.”

I love that!

Recently, I’ve been keeping track of my daydreams and in a lot of them, I have noticed that when I think about achieving some great feat, I often focus on how other people will perceive me. It’s this mindset of:

“oh so now do you see me?”.

I believe that this stems from a lack of self-esteem (which I’m working on), a lack of self-belief/confidence and caring too much about others’ perceptions of me (both of which I am also working on).

It’s almost like I’m looking to others to tell me how wonderful I am. I do the whole affirmations thing and yes, I can feel myself becoming more confident but there’s still that part of me that’s desperate for approval, as I discussed in my “On being desperate for approval” post.

“I got bipolar confidence.
Wake up like “sh*t” then I feel like the sh*t
So I guess I’m the sh*t”
Yeah, guess I’m the sh*t.

– Matt Champion

I guess everybody’s confidence fluctuates but feeling like you constantly need to show how cool or how great you are is something I think we could all do without.

I’ve been reminding myself that I do not exist to prove myself to others and that I need to develop the deep sense of inner security and worth that Kristina refers to.

You constantly try to prove yourself to others because you have not fully embraced self-belief.

3) Secure people don’t look at and point out other people’s flaws.

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Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/BhvE18VljiW/?taken-by=juliacounsellor

Here, Kristina discusses how secure people don’t feel the need to nit-pick at others or put people down for being different to them.

She talks about how, a lot of the time, we are judging others to protect ourselves. We don’t want to see what our own issues/ areas for healing are and so we project onto others.

On the Instagram caption for the above quote, Julia talks about how being more compassionate towards ourselves can help us be kinder towards others.

I need to work on this.

4. People who are secure don’t over-apologise.

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Secure people find a balance between knowing when to take responsibility for their actions and not doing too much i.e. “I’m no good”, “I’m such a terrible person etc”.

Kritstina aptly states:

Take responsibility for the part that is yours, nothing more, nothing less.

5. Secure people know that they are not perfect and accept themselves as imperfect.

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“Secure people accept themselves as perfect without resigning themselves to being stuck in whatever their struggles are”.

I loved this point because it accepts the reality of being a human (imperfection) without falling into the trap of self-pity, i.e. since I can never be perfect, I might as well stay here and struggle forever.

I have struggles I’m working through. You do too.

But we can still acknowledge our imperfect state whilst striving to do and be better.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Kristina’s point about embracing our imperfection reminded me of something I wrote in a previous blog post: On Soulmates (“To the single people out there” Part 2):

Maybe really knowing ourselves can help us love ourselves more and then extend this love outwards. A love that acknowledges in the same way we all have our “issues”, others do too. In the same way I’m not perfect, nobody else is and so on and so forth.

All in all, this video has encouraged me as I continue the journey of parting from my insecure ways. I hope it does the same for you.

Thank you for reading. You can check out the full video here:

If you’re also working on overcoming insecurity, low self-esteem etc, let’s talk about it in the comments below! Also, feel free to add more things secure people just don’t do.

See you in my next blog post. ✌️

On Soulmates (“To the single people out there” Part 2)

(repost)

This is a follow up to a previous blog post I wrote called “To the single people out there“, inspired by Mbalenhle’s “You are the one you’ve been looking for“. In that post, I wrote about how one can indeed be happy and single.

Today’s blog post is tailored towards the single people who would like to be in a relationship one day. To the ones who daydream about that sort of stuff. To the ones who consider themselves romantics- hopeless and otherwise.

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We all know that being single and happy doesn’t stop us from daydreaming about being in a relationship. It doesn’t stop us from daydreaming about being in love nor does it stop us from appreciating the beauty in the relationships that we see.

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This is probably because at some point, a lot of us desire the opportunity to form this type of deep connection with another person or maybe just cute Instagram pictures but that’s neither here nor there…

Today’s blog post is on soulmates.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines “soulmate” as:

“someone, usually your romantic or sexual partner, who you have a special relationship with, and who you know and love very much”.

I also hear soulmates being referred to as “the one”. In terms of my thoughts on the concept, at one point I thought soulmates were a thing. At another point I didn’t. That was where I stood for a very long point up until the other day when I started to reconsider.

My inner thoughts and questions led me to an article called “Soul Mates Do Exist — Just Not In the Way We Usually Think“. The author- psychologist and researcher Shauna Springer provides an alternative way of looking at the idea of a “soulmate”.

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Springer suggests that we can become another’s soulmate as opposed to automatically being one:

If humans can develop finely honed skills in music, athletics, and language arts, wouldn’t it be equally possible for them to become perfectly suited and completely irreplaceable to their spouses?

I’ve included some more key parts from the article below:

  • Two individuals who have become perfect for and irreplaceable to each other have become soul mates.

Isn’t that beautiful?

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  • In the final stages of marriage, the bond that can be created is a deeper, more satisfying level of love than anything that anyone encounters in the initial cocaine-rush phase of a relationship. In one sense, to make a comparison between the experiences of love at these two relationship stages is like comparing apples and oranges. I would argue that love of a deep and meaningful kind is only possible when based on real knowledge.
  • If being loved is based on being known for who you are and cherished despite your flaws, then the feelings one has during the initial cocaine-rush phase of a relationship can’t be love. These feelings would be some combination of other pleasurable things, like hope and attraction, and illusions of the soul-mate variety.
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Source: https://gph.is/2dukk87

I really liked the article because it finds a balance between the “airy-fairyness” associated with the concept of a soulmate and the more practical side of things:

this is not a passive process — marriages don’t get better as a function of time alone, rather they get better as a function of two partners continuing to treat each other with love and respect, despite the challenges life brings.

So, all of this got me thinking.

If “love of a deep and meaningful kind is only possible when based on real knowledge”, this would entail forming a friendship with the person (whoever they end up being) first.

And then if that is true, shouldn’t we get to know ourselves as much as possible?

This is a point I raised in the previous blog post. Not that being in a relationship would hinder you from “getting to know yourself”. I just feel that on the basis of the whole “love yourself before you love somebody else” sentiment, maybe the real knowledge of ourselves that we gain through introspection etc can be beneficial.

Maybe really knowing ourselves can help us love ourselves more and then extend this love outwards. A love that acknowledges in the same way we all have our “issues”, others do too. In the same way I’m not perfect, nobody else is and so on and so forth.

Let’s face it, a lot of us may be single for a while longer. (I know somebody just read that and thought “no, no no, not me.”)

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Source: https://gph.is/1rPFEMk

Regardless of your feelings on the matter, all I’m saying is that you might as well make use of your time alone through gaining self-knowledge and more.

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Source: https://gph.is/1KdmLqY

This is so that in the future, if you do meet your “soulmate” (the way Springer defines them), not only will you already love yourself, you’ll also able to love someone else even after the “honeymoon phase” is over. This will be the result of you realising that really knowing and loving someone (*cough cough* yourself) includes knowledge of the good and the bad.

And if worse comes to worst, knowing yourself first can be used as a precautionary meaure. Real knowledge of another person may not necessarily lead to loving them but realising you need to:

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WE CAN’T FIX OTHER PEOPLE but when it comes to you, if real knowledge of yourself includes things you don’t like and are able to change, you can do so!

I’m sure all of this doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes but I believe it’s a step in the right direction.

Let’s be what Springer calls “grounded romantics“. Others don’t complete us, they complement us.

So whilst you’re single, living life (hopefully your best life),

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don’t get caught up in looking for the person who can become your soulmate. If you’re single right now, it’s probably for a reason. Just chill.

Personally, I believe in God’s timing. For you it might be different. Regardless, I’m sure we’re all familiar with the whole “things happen when they happen” sentiment.

With that said, keep practicing gratitude for where you are right now, keep finding the balance between daydreaming and reality and most of all, keep bettering yourself.

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Main image source: https://weheartit.com/entry/302860247